Most people will come to have this feeling at least a few times in their lifetime. People will tell you that “alone” doesn’t always mean that you are lonely but then there are times when alone means just that lonely, or it means lost. This isn’t a negative post, or a post to make you sad but it is that post to make you think about the one thing no one likes to talk about loneliness. I know that just because your present state is alone doesn’t mean that you are lonely, and often times you find that you are surrounded by people and you are still feeling alone.
That is when the realization kicks in that sometimes alone does mean lonely. I am in a strange place right now because for the first time in years I am allowing myself to be surrounded by people, but right now alone to me still feels lonely; and my goal my task this year was to get to a place where I could imagine life again, and want to live it. In actuality that is the very task, I have been given to try to imagine my life beyond the passing of my mother. Although it has been nearly 3 years since she passed, I am still sitting on my sofa in my one bedroom flat alone. I am laying in my bed that night alone, and since she has passed that is exactly how I have felt, alone.
However, my mother being the strong woman of faith she was, I know she would tell me that I am not alone, because I have God, and she would remind me of the Bible verse I was forced to memorize as a child:
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
I have come across some troubling times in the last three years, in addition to my mother’s passing, my father, uncle, aunt, and one of my cousins have passed away. My uncle only a few months after my mother right before my birthday. We saw him at the service for my mother, then came back to Ohio and a few months later he was gone. These experiences have thought me how to appreciate life and appreciate the people in my life, my mother used to always say, “we are here just for an instant.”
The fight for me, and maybe for others is getting to a place where you can live again. I asked this question of myself, who am I without her? Everything that I am and ever aspired to be was my mother. She wanted me to be better than her, and achieve greater things than she ever did, which I did because she pushed me. But who is going to push me now? My task in trying to imagine a future means imagining a future without her. Who do I want to be, what do I want my life to look like?
I have found that you are never alone in this. I found so many people who have lost loved ones, lost parents, and the hardest thing for me is grieving. After a while, it seems like no one wants to hear about how sad you are anymore, and most people maybe do not understand. I know before I lost my mother, I knew that losing someone was a terrible thing but I just prayed I would never have to bare it, or determined that when it happened I would be ready for it. With my mother it happened so quickly, I tried in the months leading up to it preparing myself in the case she did pass, but when she did pass I blamed myself a little. Thought my faith wavered, thought maybe she thought I had given up on her, but I would never ever do that! By the time I received the news, I sat on my couch and I thought, “now what?”
I have been asking this question for the past three years and with no avail, whenever I am down about her not being around, I picture myself there in that dark room with the television on just wondering, “now what?” What will I do now? My mom left a lot of instructions when she passed, everything was set as much as possible to make a smooth transition, but although she taught me to survive without her, she couldn’t teach me to live without her. Each day I am in this state of survival on days where things are emotionally difficult I am rushing the day to get to tomorrow, hoping that tomorrow will be different, that tomorrow I won’t feel as sad, that tomorrow I won’t feel alone, lost, or lonely.