I believe that everyone has the desire to love. I believe that love is at the very center of our beings, it drives us, and it permeates every area of our lives. Love is only complicated when we don’t have this one understanding, and that is to first love God (a higher power than self) and love yourself.
I always talk about this one relationship that I had because I learned so much from loving that person after they weren’t around for me to love anymore. However, what I came to know is that I loved that person so much so that my love for him was greater than the love I had for myself. The love I had for him and the love that he had for me validated the love that I had for myself and it came to be that without that validation I felt like I wasn’t truly loved.
After it was all over, and a year maybe almost two years passed when I began to truly invest in myself and I began to think this thought daily which was as much as I loved him I wanted to love myself. I wanted to love myself to the same level that I loved him. As deeply, passionately and a lot of times completely unconditional as I loved this person I wanted to love myself that exact same way. I had become so obsessed that’s right obsessed! That I loved this man greater than myself and at times it seemed like he was all that mattered. I forsook it all and he never knew, and he was never able to appreciate any of it because I didn’t love myself. To another person, you just look crazy! Period no, ands, ifs, or buts about it.
It is very difficult to love someone when you don’t know how to love yourself to a high level. Do you realize that if you love yourself to a high level, it is impossible for someone to discount your love? All the things you do for another person can never translate because you haven’t learned first to show yourself, love. I came to a point where no matter who I loved I would never love them greater than I loved myself; it is not to say that I would no longer love to a deeper level but I reached an understanding that no one can come before me, I am the source of the love they are receiving. So, I have to constantly fill that well and pour love into myself.
Two things I did, I increased my love for God, and I increased my love for myself. I started spending more time in prayer, more time reading, and meditating, that was my God time. I started taking myself out on dates, nail salons, restaurants for breakfast or brunch, and movies. I would spoil myself, I did not and still do not take myself on cheap dates. My mom used to say you work hard, do things to take care of yourself. It’s not about spending crazy amounts of money, still, save but treat yourself every now and then. I would gift myself things, jewelry, shoes, new clothes, once I even took myself on a mini shopping spree.
Take care of yourself first! The hardest thing is talking to women, even professional women who seem to have it all together; I’m fixing my mouth to be envious of them and how great their lives are but they don’t love themselves and haven’t taken the steps to truly love themselves. In my previous post “Who Are You?” know thyself is a focal point of this post because a person who truly loves themselves knows thyself.
There is a deeper relationship that needs to be had and that is one with self.
When you start spending real time in meditation or filling your mind with positive affirmations things begin to click. You begin to change.
A coworker of mine said that my generation is the fast generation. Technology is the way it is because we want everything right now! Our news right now, everything! When it comes to me my coworker said, “it takes time to get to know the wonderful woman that you are, and most men aren’t willing to invest that kind of time.” That’s just it really, I don’t take it as a negative because it took time for me to get to know myself. Rome was definitely not built in a day and neither was Sherry.
After I had my heart broken, I was rock bottom I didn’t know where to begin but because of my mother’s advice and my own personality, I knew I wasn’t going to find myself in a relationship. I spent two years single before I even started dating again, I had some kind of relationship for a year and I found myself dating a man who was ready for marriage and I found I wasn’t. I’ve been single now ever since and that was four years ago. If you asked me four years ago if that was my intention heck no! I never intended to be single at twenty-eight and comfortably rolling into twenty-nine with the same feeling. A friend of mine nearing thirty is convinced that eventually, the bug will hit me but I see things differently now, so I am not in a rush.
Through a conversation, I had with my aunt maybe three years ago when she asked me why I wasn’t in a relationship? I explained to her that the desire was there, the desire to love someone deeply and they love me back is there. It has always been there and it is something that I occasionally think about but I cannot let that consume me because then I miss all the other wonderful moments right in front of me. I can’t get so consumed by finding a man, or a man finding me, getting married and starting a family and living happily ever after. That’s not the fairy tale for me. I want to be so much more than some man’s wife. I want to be his business partner, his friend, his cheerleader, his greatest confidant but I can’t be all those things to him and not be those things for myself first.
In order for me to be in a relationship, I have to have a secure relationship with God first, then myself and I expect him to have the same. Ultimately, someone has to come along, get to know me, let me get to know him and then he has to have the desire to love me just the way I am.
The desire to love for many is there, but you have to redirect that desire to love on yourself first. There are a lot of broken people, and relationships out there due to the chase, the rush just to have someone say they love you. I’m in a rush to say I love myself. I saw a meme on Instagram from Stephan Speaks Relationships that reads: Make yourself a priority. At the end of the day, you’re your longest commitment.
You are you’re the longest commitment so before you, commitment to someone else or something else,