I’m up late wrestling with my thoughts. Thoughts I suppose I have wrestled with before but mainly to address something mostly for myself and to myself. I doubt I will post this midnight rumbling of my thoughts but here it is raw and uncut as a post titled, “To be Single Forever” ought to be.
Tonight is an interesting night because it comes on the eve of something slightly remarkable even though for it to happen as I imagine it to happen would be a pleasant and welcoming surprise. I’ve always found relationships to be complicated, I’ve never engaged in a relationship with the opposite sex and found it not to be. If I was completely honest even friendships tend to get complex with women. I must be one of those odd balls, never quite getting the dance just right.
Example, I’ve been in love once, he wasn’t in love, okay that happens no big deal I pack up, and amidst a frantic hurry to pack up all remaining of my dignity I forget to pack up an important item, my heart. But how do you now years later realizing that someone else has your heart who has three or four times loved another, request the one thing that perhaps burdened his success and yours the weight of your young pathetic heart. “Excuse me sir, you don’t know this but when I packed up and left I left my heart.” That’s right that thing boiling half to death in your backseat is mine, and now though battered and bruised I would like to get it back. Weirdo alert I’m just saying.
But who needs that ish anyways, right. Somewhere between leaving my heart and trying to cling to another and prove a love that I cannot show (due to missing a heart) does your brain know how to love? The brain is rational, logical, and strategic all things the heart is not. But here I am nearly 10 years later pleading another man to love me even though, I left my heart with someone else. Not for safe keeping may I add, nope nothing safe about where it has been, not even noticed behind the pile of old hopes, dreams and useless memories. Who needs a heart? Ha not me! I plan to be single forever after all isn’t that how it ought to be.
When my mother died and I searched for those tears that made it to my eyes, they just seemed useless that’s when I really missed it. That’s when I needed that old raggedy heart, but even then I did not go to get it. I needed to feel that thumping but who ever wanted to sleep with a broken heart haven’t we learned anything from Alicia Keys. I’ve slept soundly every night until tonight because there was a slight thump that brought me alive. But the pain of her passing passed on so much quicker without it. I didn’t need it. I didn’t want it, to feel was to live, and without her what was the point, what would be the new plan.
So let’s address this relationship thing, it has a certain kind of groove I do not know. Each time I think I’ve got it down the music changes and I’m swaying to a beat only I know. 2018 dating who needs it, I think the term marry your best friend somehow got blurred because no one really does. It’s all humbug if you ask me, the rational, thinking part of my mind. While yes, I am the one who wrote love is a feeling! Humbug I tell you, cause I barely know. What is love?
Love has been all the imperfect, painful memories of my life, the harder I loved the deeper the scars and even though we want to believe that time heals all wounds some cuts run deep. You know those memories the ones that replay each time that song plays, or the tears you don’t even notice start falling at night anymore. What is love but homicide to the mind and suicide to heart, must it always be a vicious crime scene? Love isn’t at all like the movies, damn you Love Jones, for making me believe in love at first sight, and the whole, “I love you, that’s fucking urgent to me.”
Is it urgent to me? Is it urgent to him, all the questions I stopped asking years ago, all the expectations stored up in that heart of mine. Well by the end of this midnight rant about the love hate relationship I have with love you will find that he can keep it. He can keep that heart and all that is stored up in it, for me it’s a ticking time boom. One second in my chest and I’m a goner, I never learned to control it, so I don’t need it. I’ve survived this long I can love without it, teach this old brain new tricks, shoot no one has to know I plan to live without it. No one has to ever know. Keep it I say good riddance my sad and miserable heart. I’ll be single forever.